It was a memorable birthday last March 27---I am now officially 2 years away from being 30 years old. Last Friday was my students' graduation. In the days before that, I was decided on leaving teaching and pursue my first love--writing. While preparing for the commencement exercises at home, my brother turned on the T.V. The movie "Mila" starring Maricel Soriano was being shown. In the scene, Mila, the teacher who lost her job because of participating in rallies, visited her mother whom she did not see for a long time. There was tension between the two women, giving of an impression that something is wrong with their relationship.
"Mahirap ang buhay ng teacher", Mila's mother said. "Wala ka na ngang pera, parati ka pang iniiwan."
A long period of silence followed. Mila then said, "Hindi nila ako iniwan. nandito silang lahat, dala-dala ko."
I left the house with this scene keeping on replaying in my mind. At the end of the graduation ceremonies,the 4th year graduates sang their grad song and the school's alma mater hymn. This did it. I realized it isn't easy to leave all of this behind. For this reason I have decided to stay for one more year.
******************
On the day of my birth, I checked my FB account and read all the birthday greetings that my friends wrote on my wall. This comforted me and I tried to reply to all the greets.
I also replied to those who texted me: "My birthday wish is that for God to bles all my friends and those who have been part of my life a thousand-fold."
That evening my friends from Church treated me for a late night dinner.
*****************
The next day, Ate Aileen, my writer-friend and possible soul-twin treated me for lunch somewhere in Morato. That afternoon, she gave me a very special gift, bringing me to a group of spiritual teachers who gave me sound advice on what to do in life.
I thank God for family and friends. I thanks God for the many opportunities He is giving me, the many doors He is opening for me.
May they be blessed a thousand-fold.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Faced With Mortality
Last week Auntie Gloria unexpectedly died of Pneumonia. It was a shock because it was Kuya Moshe, her son, who is terminally sick of Cancer. Seeing him deteriorate was bearable. I guess I am used to it having a sister who slowly and painfully died of brain tumor. But then, again, I was faced with man’s mortality. Especially mine.
I found out that Kuya Moshe has the same type of CA as Ate Aileen. Both has the same illness but they are different in many ways.
Kuya Moshe told Papa that he expects to be gone until the 30th only. He believes it is logical. Ten years ago, his dad, Uncle Bobby, died on the 20th of September. This year, Tita Gloria died September 10—ten days apart. After ten days, he knows he will follow. He says he can’t take the pain anymore.
Ate Aileen, the woman with the strong character and personality, believes she must live one day at a time now. Even if her doctor told her that the treatment for her is just “paliative”—meaning they will just surgically remove any growth that will appear—she firmly proclaims that she survived her sickness. Yes it is helping her. With all the writing projects that she would like to finish, two movies and a novel, she fearlessly struggles her way to normalcy. Her spirit is worth imitating. Her courage is examplary.
I realize that the reason behind them having different views about their life is this: Victor Frankl’s Meaning of Life. The one-time WWII concentration camp prisoner theorized that a man who has goals to live for, even if faced with mortality, will be able to rise up from the ashes to finish what has to be done.
Ate Aileen has this power. She has everything to live for.
****
I am faced with mortality. I feel weak because of work related pressures. I vowed not to be depressed again like I was two years ago. But sometimes I feel drained. It is the kind of exhaustion that downs my immune system. In just two months I already acquired two bouts of cough and colds. My constipation is worsening a bit and I could feel light pain on my lower abdomen. Knowing the fact that my grandmother died of colon cancer does’nt console a bit.
I have lots of dreams and lots of things I want to do. Things that I cannot fully accomplish as of the moment. I just don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I was not brave enough to do what I want to do, and losing it all forever.
I realize that those who succeeded in the path I want to take—writing—did it wih risk. They did it with courage even at first no one understood. No one believed. Or maybe, the people who loved them did not want them to get hurt and in the process, restraining them from their Personal Legend, as Paolo Coelho wrote.
I have promised myself many times that I would change and be braver in following my dreams. But my fear holds me back. Not that I can do it, but what I have to sacrifice for a while to reach these.
I pray that one day, when faced with mortality, I would be able to say that I had a full life. I have done what I had to do…what I wanted to do. And with this I was able to inspire and help others.
Written: September 21, 2009
Monday; 8:10 pm
I found out that Kuya Moshe has the same type of CA as Ate Aileen. Both has the same illness but they are different in many ways.
Kuya Moshe told Papa that he expects to be gone until the 30th only. He believes it is logical. Ten years ago, his dad, Uncle Bobby, died on the 20th of September. This year, Tita Gloria died September 10—ten days apart. After ten days, he knows he will follow. He says he can’t take the pain anymore.
Ate Aileen, the woman with the strong character and personality, believes she must live one day at a time now. Even if her doctor told her that the treatment for her is just “paliative”—meaning they will just surgically remove any growth that will appear—she firmly proclaims that she survived her sickness. Yes it is helping her. With all the writing projects that she would like to finish, two movies and a novel, she fearlessly struggles her way to normalcy. Her spirit is worth imitating. Her courage is examplary.
I realize that the reason behind them having different views about their life is this: Victor Frankl’s Meaning of Life. The one-time WWII concentration camp prisoner theorized that a man who has goals to live for, even if faced with mortality, will be able to rise up from the ashes to finish what has to be done.
Ate Aileen has this power. She has everything to live for.
****
I am faced with mortality. I feel weak because of work related pressures. I vowed not to be depressed again like I was two years ago. But sometimes I feel drained. It is the kind of exhaustion that downs my immune system. In just two months I already acquired two bouts of cough and colds. My constipation is worsening a bit and I could feel light pain on my lower abdomen. Knowing the fact that my grandmother died of colon cancer does’nt console a bit.
I have lots of dreams and lots of things I want to do. Things that I cannot fully accomplish as of the moment. I just don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I was not brave enough to do what I want to do, and losing it all forever.
I realize that those who succeeded in the path I want to take—writing—did it wih risk. They did it with courage even at first no one understood. No one believed. Or maybe, the people who loved them did not want them to get hurt and in the process, restraining them from their Personal Legend, as Paolo Coelho wrote.
I have promised myself many times that I would change and be braver in following my dreams. But my fear holds me back. Not that I can do it, but what I have to sacrifice for a while to reach these.
I pray that one day, when faced with mortality, I would be able to say that I had a full life. I have done what I had to do…what I wanted to do. And with this I was able to inspire and help others.
Written: September 21, 2009
Monday; 8:10 pm
Love is Freedom to Love
This Christmas vacation I was scheduled to attend four weddings. I have already attended two over the weekend: My cousin Bombie Cayco-Rivera’s and Maritess Lopez=Gaissan’s. Two marriages expressed in different ways but nevertheless both legitimate and sacred.
Bombie’s wedding was simple but solemn. The small and charming Mary, the Queen Church was the right church for her wedding. There were only few guests, mostly close relatives and friends. Years back, Bombie would always tell me that she will only invite relatives whom she felt close with.
The reception in the Glass House was perfect. It reminded me of Italian or American tent weddings I see in movies. No fancy rites, just the beautiful audio-visual presentations fit for a celebrity. Bombie and Ryan were like cute statuettes on top of a wedding cake come to life.
The next day, December 21, I went all the way to Caleruega, Batangas together with cherished friends from church to grace the union of Maritess Lopez and Norbert Gaissan (I’m not sure what his nationality is). It was also a small gathering of friends and relatives with a charming exchange of “I do’s” on the lawn overlooking the glorious Batulao Mountains. The rite was solemnized by a dear friend priest who is also my kumpare together with Ate Julie to Ate Tess’ youngest son, Aaron. Father’s words were inspiring and it was such a comfort for me. I realized that I was right all along to believe that you cannot put God in a box. This is what has happened, unfortunately, over the years with different churches. Now I proclaim that God is Love. Whatever the kind of love it is, it is still God’s love if it is in the purest, most sacred form.
Written: December 23, 2008
Tuesday; 9:35 am
Bombie’s wedding was simple but solemn. The small and charming Mary, the Queen Church was the right church for her wedding. There were only few guests, mostly close relatives and friends. Years back, Bombie would always tell me that she will only invite relatives whom she felt close with.
The reception in the Glass House was perfect. It reminded me of Italian or American tent weddings I see in movies. No fancy rites, just the beautiful audio-visual presentations fit for a celebrity. Bombie and Ryan were like cute statuettes on top of a wedding cake come to life.
The next day, December 21, I went all the way to Caleruega, Batangas together with cherished friends from church to grace the union of Maritess Lopez and Norbert Gaissan (I’m not sure what his nationality is). It was also a small gathering of friends and relatives with a charming exchange of “I do’s” on the lawn overlooking the glorious Batulao Mountains. The rite was solemnized by a dear friend priest who is also my kumpare together with Ate Julie to Ate Tess’ youngest son, Aaron. Father’s words were inspiring and it was such a comfort for me. I realized that I was right all along to believe that you cannot put God in a box. This is what has happened, unfortunately, over the years with different churches. Now I proclaim that God is Love. Whatever the kind of love it is, it is still God’s love if it is in the purest, most sacred form.
Written: December 23, 2008
Tuesday; 9:35 am
New Start
I’m typing this on a newly reprogrammed desk top computer. After the family PC succumbed to thousands of viruses, my cousin had no choice but to erase everything and reprogram the computer. All files are gone now. Some of my short stories, prayers from favorite saints, family pictures downloaded from the digital camera…Everything.
I wonder if I can do that with my life. If only I can reprogram and erase the mistakes that I’ve done. Or boot out all the not-so-pleasing memories and refresh all.
I have no regrets losing some of my files in this computer. If this happened five years ago I could have panicked and get depressed but now I couldn’t care less. All of my writings are expressed feelings anyway. They are pent up emotions that I have decided to throw out of my system. In a way they’re garbage that I need to let out however nice they may seem to be to read.
What is important is that I can start anew. I remember that anecdote about Thomas Edison that I read when I was in high school. When he was old, General Electronics was ravaged by fire. With his son, they looked at the great flames devouring all the things he worked hard for the past years. He suddenly beamed and asked his son to bring his wife to the site. He supposedly said, “She will never see something like this again in her life.” After noticing his son’s confused demeanor, he explained. “All of it is gone. Even the mistakes that I have made are gone. Now we can start anew.”
Learning from the wisdom of Thomas Edison, I start writing again the pieces of me in this PC. So Doogey Hauser.
Written: December 3, 2008
Wednesday, 7:39 pm
I wonder if I can do that with my life. If only I can reprogram and erase the mistakes that I’ve done. Or boot out all the not-so-pleasing memories and refresh all.
I have no regrets losing some of my files in this computer. If this happened five years ago I could have panicked and get depressed but now I couldn’t care less. All of my writings are expressed feelings anyway. They are pent up emotions that I have decided to throw out of my system. In a way they’re garbage that I need to let out however nice they may seem to be to read.
What is important is that I can start anew. I remember that anecdote about Thomas Edison that I read when I was in high school. When he was old, General Electronics was ravaged by fire. With his son, they looked at the great flames devouring all the things he worked hard for the past years. He suddenly beamed and asked his son to bring his wife to the site. He supposedly said, “She will never see something like this again in her life.” After noticing his son’s confused demeanor, he explained. “All of it is gone. Even the mistakes that I have made are gone. Now we can start anew.”
Learning from the wisdom of Thomas Edison, I start writing again the pieces of me in this PC. So Doogey Hauser.
Written: December 3, 2008
Wednesday, 7:39 pm
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)