Faced With Mortality

Last week Auntie Gloria unexpectedly died of Pneumonia. It was a shock because it was Kuya Moshe, her son, who is terminally sick of Cancer. Seeing him deteriorate was bearable. I guess I am used to it having a sister who slowly and painfully died of brain tumor. But then, again, I was faced with man’s mortality. Especially mine.

I found out that Kuya Moshe has the same type of CA as Ate Aileen. Both has the same illness but they are different in many ways.

Kuya Moshe told Papa that he expects to be gone until the 30th only. He believes it is logical. Ten years ago, his dad, Uncle Bobby, died on the 20th of September. This year, Tita Gloria died September 10—ten days apart. After ten days, he knows he will follow. He says he can’t take the pain anymore.

Ate Aileen, the woman with the strong character and personality, believes she must live one day at a time now. Even if her doctor told her that the treatment for her is just “paliative”—meaning they will just surgically remove any growth that will appear—she firmly proclaims that she survived her sickness. Yes it is helping her. With all the writing projects that she would like to finish, two movies and a novel, she fearlessly struggles her way to normalcy. Her spirit is worth imitating. Her courage is examplary.

I realize that the reason behind them having different views about their life is this: Victor Frankl’s Meaning of Life. The one-time WWII concentration camp prisoner theorized that a man who has goals to live for, even if faced with mortality, will be able to rise up from the ashes to finish what has to be done.

Ate Aileen has this power. She has everything to live for.

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I am faced with mortality. I feel weak because of work related pressures. I vowed not to be depressed again like I was two years ago. But sometimes I feel drained. It is the kind of exhaustion that downs my immune system. In just two months I already acquired two bouts of cough and colds. My constipation is worsening a bit and I could feel light pain on my lower abdomen. Knowing the fact that my grandmother died of colon cancer does’nt console a bit.

I have lots of dreams and lots of things I want to do. Things that I cannot fully accomplish as of the moment. I just don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I was not brave enough to do what I want to do, and losing it all forever.

I realize that those who succeeded in the path I want to take—writing—did it wih risk. They did it with courage even at first no one understood. No one believed. Or maybe, the people who loved them did not want them to get hurt and in the process, restraining them from their Personal Legend, as Paolo Coelho wrote.

I have promised myself many times that I would change and be braver in following my dreams. But my fear holds me back. Not that I can do it, but what I have to sacrifice for a while to reach these.

I pray that one day, when faced with mortality, I would be able to say that I had a full life. I have done what I had to do…what I wanted to do. And with this I was able to inspire and help others.

Written: September 21, 2009
Monday; 8:10 pm